Cunning, Baffling, Powerful

The more I pray to live by God's will, the more I see how long I've lived in a trap of Your Will or My Will. I was a pleaser for the longest time.  I felt that if I didn't do what someone expected of me, and then try to follow it up with something better, I would be abandoned.  I have a long history of finding people who made that fear  a reality.  Whether I was a few months in to a relationship or 10 years in, I felt it was only a matter of a few wrong words or a simple day of being lazy until I was rejected and abandoned again. I would live under someone else's will for my life for as long as I could handle it. The fear and anxiety would eventually crush me.  My resentments would grow to unmanageable levels and I'd self destruct. Changing my style of clothes, listening to someone else's music, climbing the career ladder as high as I could because someone else deserved to stay at home and not work. "Your head is really big. Your arms are too small. You...

Steps 1 through 3 were real enough, but they only required a sincere desire, and I have that in spades. My desire is born from the  gift of desperation. I desperately want to let go  of this baggage. I desperately want to live in joy and contentment. I desperately want to face the crap I've been sweeping under the rug for 40 years. I'm as far into  the  process as I got  last time.  I stopped here last time because my ego  wouldn't allow me to pursue step 4.  I  didn't want to do any house cleaning. I  didn't want to let go absolutely. I wasn't ready to let my life be directed by God's will over my own.  I get it now. Yesterday  was a difficult day for me in a lot of ways, but I worked with my sponsor and revealed some things I've been lugging around for months on end.  The enemy comes to lie, steal, and kill, and destroy.  The enemy lies to you and these destructive lies can only survive in the dark  recesse...

A PRICELESS GIFT By this time in all probability we have gained some measure of release from our more devastating handicaps. We enjoy moments in which there is something like real peace of mind. To those of us who have hitherto known only excitement, depression, or anxiety – in other words, to all of us – this newfound peace is a priceless gift. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 74 I am learning to let go and let God, to have a mind that is open and a heart that is willing to receive God's grace in all my affairs; in this way I can experience the peace and freedom that come as a result of surrender. It has been proven that an act of surrender, originating in desperation and defeat, can grow into an ongoing act of faith, and that faith means freedom and victory. Excitement, depression, or anxiety.  Thank you, God, for showing me that I am not alone in my brokenness.  I am really good at feeling these three states.  I am all too comfortable living in these thr...

But now the words "Of myself I am nothing, the Father doeth the works" began to carry bright promise and meaning. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 75 When I put the Seventh Step into action I must remember that there are no blanks to fill in. It doesn't say, "Humbly asked Him to (fill in the blank) remove our shortcomings." For years, I filled in the imaginary blank with "Help me!" "Give me the courage to," and "Give me the strength," etc. The Step says simply that God will remove my shortcomings. The only footwork I must do is "humbly ask," which for me means asking with the knowledge that of myself I am nothing, the Father within "doeth the works." This one is profound.  It goes back to one of the things we read daily in AA.  God will do for us the things we can not.  My own strength is nothing. My willpower is nothing.  The only hope I have to accomplish anything worthwhile in this life is to let ...

Here is the text from the Daily Reflection for July 19th, 2016: Many of us who had thought ourselves religious awoke to the limitations of this attitude. Refusing to place God first, we had deprived ourselves of His help. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 75 Many false notions operate in false pride. The need for direction to live a decent life is satisfied by the hope experienced in the A.A. Fellowship. Those who have walked the way for years – a day at a time – say that a God-centered life has limitless possibilities for personal growth. This being so, much hope is transmitted by the elder A.A.s. I thank my Higher Power for letting me know that He works through other people, and I thank Him for our trusted servants in the Fellowship who aid new members to reject their false ideals and to adopt those which lead to a life of compassion and trust. The elders in A.A. challenge the newcomers to "Come To" – so that they can "Come to Believe." I ask my H...

Like last time, steps 1 through 3 are kinda easy.  This time around, I'm putting much more thought and prayer into what each step means, so I'm getting more out of it.  Step 3 is more of an ongoing effort.  I can feel when I'm living it and when I'm not.  This is part of my morning prayers, and something I have to stop and ask myself throughout the day.   Am I living God's will or my own will? For reference, the twelve steps are: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of  God   as we understood Him . Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of  character . Humbly asked Him to remove our sho...

This is powerful stuff. And seeking to be truthful and humble, I only read it because one of my closest friends texted it to me this morning. The more honest I am with myself, the more I can discern between seeking to be honest in all my affairs vs. seeking to to APPEAR honest. When I want to the appearance of honesty, I look for the of reactions I get from the things I do and say.  That isn't a genuine way to live.  That doesn't lead to serenity or true joy. Here lately I've just been trying to live.  I want to respond to situations in a way that is natural, free of motive, and as true to myself and my faith as possible.  I don't always succeed, but in trying to do so, I've learned to let go of motive a little more each day, let go of expectations.  I can enjoy choosing to be alone doing laundry, running with friends, or a night out with equal ease. I can enjoy doing something nice for someone even when it goes unnoticed or unmentioned.  It is beco...

This is another eye opening reading.  I am well aware of the fears I have, but have yet to identify the root.  The funny thing about digging deeper into my faith, is I am given a limited toolbox for handling fears.  "Give it to God" is great, but what does that mean?  I want to be able to identify the root of my fears, deconstruct it, and ask God to remove THAT. The reading talks about step 7, so I guess I will get there when I get there.  I can't be "Turbo" all my life.  That just leads to anxiety, and thus, fears. I was just telling someone yesterday how easy it would be to get angry at how my ex is always late dropping off the kids and early to pick them up.  I just let it go because I can't have any expectations of her.  When I arrive at the halfway spot early, I just have to find a way to entertain myself. I can't wait to spend more time digging into my fears and trying to unravel and remove them.  I care entirely too much what o...