Cunning, Baffling, Powerful

When we developed still more, we discovered the best possible source of emotional stability to be God Himself. We found that dependence upon His perfect justice, forgiveness, and love was healthy, and that it would work where nothing else would. If we really depended upon God, we couldn't very well play God to our fellows nor would we feel the urge wholly to rely on human protection and care. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 116 It has been my experience that, when all human resources appear to have failed, there is always One who will never desert me. Moreover, He is always there to share my joy, to steer me down the right path, and to confide in when no one else will do. While my well-being and happiness can be added to, or diminished, by human efforts, only God can provide the loving nourishment upon which I depend for my daily spiritual health. I love this reading. I've been struggling to articulate this to my son since he moved back home with me.  The battle...

In the beginning, the press could not understand our refusal of all personal publicity. They were genuinely baffled by our insistence upon anonymity. Then they got the point. Here was something rare in the world—a society which said it wished to publicize its principles and its work, but not its individual members. The press was delighted with this attitude. Ever since, these friends have reported A.A. with an enthusiasm which the most ardent members would find hard to match. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 182 It is essential for my personal survival and that of the Fellowship that I not use A.A. to put myself in the limelight. Anonymity is a way for me to work on my humility. Since pride is one of my most dangerous shortcomings, practicing humility is one of the best ways to overcome it. The Fellowship of A.A. gains worldwide recognition by its various methods of publicizing its principles and its work, not by its individual members advertising themselves. The attraction cr...

My kids talk about karma. I talk about grace, the Holy Spirit, and about life-giving words. I have heard people talk about vibrations and energy.  It probably doesn't matter how you contextualize the concept - the truth remains that our existence impacts others. Our actions, words, and even thoughts carry out and resonate with others long after we've forgotten what we did or said. Lately, when I pray I see images or have thoughts of ripples. This isn't some grand revelation, but just a reminder that my thoughts, words, and actions impact far beyond what I can see. I think of my words or actions as a rock, the pond is my community, and the water's surface as a point in time. Long after the rock passes through the water's surface, the ripples are still traveling outward, still impacting others in the pond. I'm not special in this way. I believe we are all impacting each other. The question for me is what kind of ripples do I want to make? Do I want to encourag...

Lord, make me a channel of thy peace—that where there is hatred, I may bring love—that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness—that where there is discord, I may bring harmony—that where there is error, I may bring truth—that where there is doubt, I may bring faith—that where there is despair, I may bring hope—that where there are shadows, I may bring light—that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted—to understand, than to be understood—to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life. Amen. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 99 No matter where I am in my spiritual growth, the St. Francis prayer helps me improve my conscious contact with the God of my understanding. I think that one of the great advantages of my faith in God is that I do not understand Him, or Her, or It. ...

From www.aa.org/pages/en-US/daily-reflection "Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong. The agonies and the void that I often felt inside occur less and less frequently in my life today. I have learned to cope with solitude. It is only when I am alone and calm that I am able to communicate with God, for he cannot reach me when I am in turmoil. It is good to maintain contact with god at all times, but it is absolutely essential that, when everything seems to go wrong, I maintain that contact through prayer and meditation." I can remember the days of drinking with friends at a party, a club, a bar, or anywhere, and no matter who i was with I felt alone. I felt alone in dating and in marriage. I felt alone when I played team sports.  This was the great lie of alcoholism: I am different and apart from my fellow man. ...

I've been dealing with a string of injuries and find myself still smiling, still striving, and still looking for ways to be of maximum service to everyone I encounter. I just got results back on an MRI and was told I have a somewhat common degenerative condition in my neck.  For the last couple of months, my right arm has been weak and my index finger and thumb numb. The numbness is growing and now my arm has a persistent feeling of pins and needles. The unusual thing is that I'm about 20 years too young to experience this. If left untreated, the condition could cost me the use of both arms or worse.  I'm seeing a specialist on 11/30 to determine the best treatment options. The way I see it, it is yet another chance to demonstrate that my body is simply an extension of my spirit. My strength is not flesh and bone, but faith and God's daily gift of grace.  Each day is an opportunity to practice my submission of self-will and reliance on His will. Each day is an oppor...

I remember my mom telling me "You think you know what love is.....  then you have kids." For the longest time I believed that.  Then, I got happily divorced and was leading a happy single life with my two young (6 and 3) kids.  Shortly after I got my own house, my daughter turned 7 and then my son turned 4. Those were amazing times.  My daughter says her best memories are from that time. I was broke, but I was free.  I remember doing "campouts" on weekends in the living room with my kids.  We'd turn my futon into a tent and I'd cook in the fireplace. During a particularly bad hailstorm, we hid under the cargo cover of my truck and watched with the tailgate down.  We had so much fun for free.  My heart and my soul were free, and I lacked nothing to be happy. It was in that wholeness and freedom that I met my second wife.  I was competing in MMA and she in boxing.  We met at a gym and thought nothing of each other at first.  We j...

A SPIRITUAL AXIOM It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 90 I never truly understood the Tenth Step's spiritual axiom until I had the following experience. I was sitting in my bedroom, reading into the wee hours, when suddenly I heard my dogs barking in the back yard. My neighbors frown on this kind of disturbance so, with mixed feelings of anger and shame, as well as fear of my neighbors' disapproval, I immediately called in my dogs. Several weeks later the exact situation repeated itself but this time, because I was feeling more at peace with myself, I was able to accept the situation—dogs  will  bark—and I calmly called in the dogs. Both incidents taught me that when a person experiences nearly identical events and reacts two different ways, then it is not the event which is of prime importance, but the person's spiritual condition. Feelings come...

For the wise have always known that no one can make much of his life until self-searching becomes a regular habit, until he is able to admit and accept what he finds, and until he patiently and persistently tries to correct what is wrong. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 88 I have more than enough to handle today, without dragging along yesterday's baggage too. I must balance today's books, if I am to have a chance tomorrow. So I ask myself if I have erred and how I can avoid repeating that particular behavior. Did I hurt anyone, did I help anyone, and why? Some of today is bound to spill over into tomorrow, but most of it need not if I make an honest daily inventory. "....if I make an honest daily inventory" That's the missing puzzle piece.  That's the "How".  How you let go.  How you reach radical acceptance. How you start each day as a clean slate and another chance to let God lead the way. I've found that the more I practice ...

SERENITY AFTER THE STORM Someone who knew what he was talking about once remarked that pain was the touchstone of all spiritual progress. How heartily we A.A.'s can agree with him. . . . — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, pp. 93-94 When on the roller coaster of emotional turmoil, I remember that growth is often painful. My evolution in the A.A. program has taught me that I must experience the inner change, however painful, that eventually guides me from selfishness to selflessness. If I am to have serenity, I must STEP my way past emotional turmoil and its subsequent hangover, and be grateful for continuing spiritual progress. Stasis.  That's what my drinking was all about.  Life is ever changing, and i used to hate that.  Since we have absolutely no control over our surroundings, we can't prevent change.  I drank because I wanted to numb all my feelings about the things going on in my life.  I didn't want to face my part in a second divorce, in my...

As we work the first nine Steps, we prepare ourselves for the adventure of a new life. But when we approach Step Ten we commence to put our A.A. way of living to practical use, day by day, in fair weather or foul. Then comes the acid test: can we stay sober, keep in emotional balance, and live to good purpose under all conditions? — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 88 I know the Promises are being fulfilled in my life, but I want to maintain and develop them by the daily application of Step Ten. I have learned through this Step that if I am disturbed, there is something wrong with me. The other person may be wrong too, but I can only deal with my feelings. When I am hurt or upset, I have to continually look for the cause in me, and then I have to admit and correct my mistakes. It isn't easy, but as long as I know I am progressing spiritually, I know that I can mark my effort up as a job well done. I have found that pain is a friend; it lets me know there is something wron...

"Don't confuse circumstance with character." WOW!!!! My son hit me with that truth when we were talking about dating.  I was making excuses for someone in my past, and he cut me off with that sentence. He stopped me cold.  I made excuses for her for almost 3 years. I was saying maybe it was timing; maybe if she'd had more time between her divorce and meeting me, then maybe she wouldn't have done some of those things. How is it a 14 year old boy can see to the heart of a matter like dating but I could be so oblivious?  I wanted what I wanted for so long and sacrificed so much self-respect to make it work that it became impossible for me to see the situation for what it was; impossible to see her for who she is. I was blinded by self-will. Man, I'm blessed beyond measure to have the life I have, and to have it unfold exactly as it has.

It's been almost 17 months since I last drank alcohol.  In that time, I've had two sponsors, and broken up with and restarted my relationship with my girlfriend, but most importantly I've rebuilt my relationship with my daughter and have a much more solid co-parenting relationship with her mom now that I'm able to let go of expectations and accept that she is spiritually sick. I've completed the 12 steps of AA and God will bring me a sponsee when we are both ready. This process has brought me so much healing and sanity. But the most important thing that has changed in my life is a desire to do whatever needs to be done, when it needs to be done instead of avoiding or procrastinating. Most painfully, this meant parting ways with my on-and-off girlfriend of the last 2.5 years. We forced ourselves together because the lifestyle was fantastic. We both loved playing outside with a variety of activities, and had many adventures together, with and without our kids. ...

Tonight is my last night of a 5 week intensive outpatient program, working on a skillset called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.  It's a complex topic that has four critical elements: Mindfulness Emotional Regulation Interpersonal Effectiveness Distress Tolerance This is actually my 6th week because I've been permitted to do 3 make-up sessions, and I greatly appreciate the additional time to work on skills. While I see this as a lifelong pursuit, I've thrown myself into it with more dedication than anything else I've ever attempted.  I'm approaching people and difficult situations with a dramatically different approach than before. The one area of struggle for me is radical acceptance.  No matter what I do, the outcome is always the same in one situation no matter the approach I take. I've relinquished efforts to control the situation or the outcomes, and now I just have to decide if I can accept it for what it is, fully, or not.

I'm working my way through Step 9.  It has been such a roller coaster.  I had all this anxiety and self-imposed guilt and shame as I got ready to face people and walk through my amends with them, but the crazy part is, everyone has received my amends with an open heart, and keeping everything 100% honest since that point has kept me happy, joyous, and free. One thing I've noticed is that the more manipulative folks in my life have responded with "well I guess now you'll <adhere to whatever expectation they have>".  Short answer - No! I'm not doing this work to make myself better living up to another person's ideal for me.  I'm doing this to stay true to who God wants me to be. I've discovered that I'm more able to be present, engaged, enjoyable, and even helpful to my friends. I'm finding a sort of natural selection process as to who is becoming a bigger pat of my life and who is moving out of it. I'm embracing the reality t...

So I'm trying like hell to be a better man.  My friends all say I'm fine as I am.  But the truth they don't see is that after two divorces and a tumultuous relationship of almost two years, there is definitely something going on in my head that doesn't happen with everyone. So I went to a psychiatrist and paid out of pocket to get in ASAP.  The in-network pyschs didn't have openings till late March or early April. My expectation was I'd get diagnosed with ADHD, get a script for adderol, and be on my way. God has a way of reminding my that expectations aren't a good thing. I did get diagnosed with ADD (no shocker there), but also with Borderline Personality Disorder. Apparently, people who has suffered abuse tend to get it. Experiencing trauma, especially in formative years, causes person to always be on gaurd, looking for threats that aren't there, planning their exit strategies, both physical and emotional. Its a survival instinct gone haywire. The ...

This last week was a weird one for me.  Lots of change in my life; lots of uncertainty; and I've lost all sight of my comfort zone. Normally, I'd withdrawn from anyone and everyone and find myself isolated. Its different this time. I'm leaning into the fellowship, into my program, into my prayer life, and staying connected with friends and family. The old me would lament the impermanence of friendships and how often life changes before I was ready. The new me just rolls with it all because I know God is in charge. I had someone tell me that my desire to improve is an act and a big lie. All I can say is I am sorry for every time I've hurt people, but moving away from chaos and toward simplicity is the way I can keep becoming who I am intended to be. Other friendships are transforming as we finally relinquish self-will and turn it all over to God's will. That was probably the hardest decision I've had to make in the last few years. I won't go into detail...

GETTING INVOLVED There is action and more action. "Faith without works is dead." . . . To be helpful is our only aim. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, pp. 88-89 I understand that service is a vital part of recovery but I often wonder, "What can I do?" Simply start with what I have today! I look around to see where there is a need. Are the ashtrays full? Do I have hands and feet to empty them? Suddenly I'm involved! The best speaker may make the worst coffee; the member who's best with newcomers may be unable to read; the one willing to clean up may make a mess of the bank account—yet every one of these people and jobs is essential to an active group. The miracle of service is this: when I use what I have, I find there is more available to me than I realized before. Well, I was looking for volunteer opportunities and they were simultaneously looking for me.  My mentor and friend has asked that I fill in as facilitator for his Discipleship course for a couple ...

My mind still gets the best of me.  I talk to people and think about  what was said, what wasn't said, what the "real meaning" was, and my mind starts  running full speed to nowhere. I still have to collect myself, pray, and let go. I still have to remind myself it isn't personal. Last time, when I got to almost 2 years sobreity, I thought "Man, I kick ass.  I don't need meetings anymore." Then I fell apart, blew up, and started over.  Now that I have 10 months under my belt, I think "I'm doing great. I don't want to lose what i've gained.  I need to keep going to meetings and stay sober." I apologize for all the times I complained about problems that weren't there. I apologize for the times I've cast judgement on others for my own shortcomings. I apologize for the times I've sacrificed my own self-respect just to keep the peace. Today my prayer is that god wiill reveal to me the ways in which I can be of most serv...