Cunning, Baffling, Powerful

A NEW STATE OF CONSCIOUSNESS He has been granted a gift which amounts to a new state of consciousness and being. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 107 Many of us in A.A. puzzle over what is a spiritual awakening. I tended to look for a miracle, something dramatic and earth-shattering. But what usually happens is that a sense of well-being, a feeling of peace, transforms us into a new level of awareness. That's what happened to me. My insanity and inner turmoil disappeared and I entered into a new dimension of hope, love and peace. I think the degree to which I continue to experience this new dimension is in direct proportion to the sincerity, depth and devotion with which I practice the Twelve Steps of A.A. I'm not the wisest man, but I can just share what my experience has been. Before AA, and especially before reaching steps 4 and 5, anxiety was a very real and frequent part of my life. Irrational fears of abandonment, betrayal, and humiliation were present i...

SERENITY Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, . . . — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 106 As I continued to go to meetings and work the Steps, something began to happen to me. I felt confused because I wasn't sure what it was that I was feeling, and then I realized I was experiencing serenity. It was a good feeling, but where had it come from? Then I realized it had come ". . . as the result of these steps." The program may not always be easy to practice, but I had to acknowledge that my serenity had come to me after working the Steps. As I work the Steps in everything I do, practicing these principles in all my affairs, now I find that I am awake to God, to others, and to myself. The spiritual awakening I have enjoyed as the result of working the Steps is the awareness that I am no longer alone. Now that I've finally finished steps 4 and 5, I get it.  I get what having peace with my past is all about.  I grew up Catholic a...

I've been chipping away at the 3rd list on my fourth step just a little bit each every couple of days.   I've been reading the daily reflection almost every day.  I've been making one meeting a week.  The thing I see is I'm finally over the hump.  I'm past the point of indecision.  Now that I'm committed, I'm starting to see little changes in my routine, little changes in my perspective, and a willingness to own up to my shortcomings as they manifest and make "amends" before the guilt/shame/pressure/anxiety builds up. I'm NOT a posterchild for AA.  My bottom was not very low, and my progress has not been meteoric. If I run into people I haven't seen for years, they simple say "You look good.  You look happy."  That's enough for me.  There is no radical transformation, largely because I've been I've been putting in work at a glacial pace.  Put there is progress, and my belief is that for an ADHD guy like me, the longe...

"BY FAITH AND BY WORKS" On anvils of experience, the structure of our Society was hammered out. . . . Thus has it been with A.A. By faith and by works we have been able to build upon the lessons of an incredible experience. They live today in the Twelve Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, which — God willing — shall sustain us in unity for so long as He may need us. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 131 God has allowed me the right to be wrong in order for our Fellowship to exist as it does today. If I place God's will first in my life, it is very likely that A.A. as I know it today will remain as it is. Today's reflection is focused pretty intently on the nature of the AA fellowship. As I read this, I look for the parts that apply to my life. It reminds me of the quotes I've read recently that there are no mistakes/failures.  Only success, and learning.  So long as I learn what went awry, why, and how I can STOP getting in my own way, then mista...

AN OPEN MIND True humility and an open mind can lead us to faith, . . . — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 33 My alcoholic thinking led me to believe that I could control my drinking, but I couldn't. When I came to A.A., I realized that God was speaking to me through my group. My mind was open just enough to know that I needed His help. A real, honest acceptance of A.A. took more time, but with it came humility. I know how insane I was, and I am extremely grateful to have my sanity restored to me and to be a sober alcoholic. The new, sober me is a much better person than I ever could have been without A.A. Just yesterday, after my meeting, I was telling a friend how it never ceases to amaze me that I'll have a question on my mind or have a thought I'm struggling with, and I hear my answer either in the reading we cover or in someone's sharing during the meeting. God has consistently guided me through the words of others who are sharing from their heart.  ...

Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 91 My drive to work provides me with an opportunity for self-examination. One day while making this trip, I began to review my progress in sobriety, and was not happy with what I saw. I hoped that, as the work day progressed, I would forget these troublesome thoughts, but as one disappointment after another kept coming, my discontent only increased, and the pressures within me kept mounting. I retreated to an isolated table in the lounge, and asked myself how I could make the most of the rest of the day. In the past, when things went wrong, I instinctively wanted to fight back. But during the short time I had been trying to live the A.A. program I had learned to step back and take a look at myself. I recognized that, although I was not the person I wanted to be, I had learned to not react in my old ways. Those old patterns of behavior only brought sorrow and hurt, to me and t...

SERENITY AFTER THE STORM Someone who knew what he was talking about once remarked that pain was the touchstone of all spiritual progress. How heartily we A.A.'s can agree with him. . . . — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, pp. 93-94 When on the roller coaster of emotional turmoil, I remember that growth is often painful. My evolution in the A.A. program has taught me that I must experience the inner change, however painful, that eventually guides me from selfishness to selflessness. If I am to have serenity, I must STEP my way past emotional turmoil and its subsequent hangover, and be grateful for continuing spiritual progress. Man, I've been avoiding so much lately.  I've been avoiding the rest of step 4. Avoiding people I have  let down, no matter how small, and avoiding things like completing my home office.  I've been avoiding the pain of continued spiritual growth. I reached my point of desperation a few years ago and the pain of staying where I was...

EXACTLY ALIKE Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 89 A man came to the meeting drunk, interrupted the speakers, stood up and took his shirt off, staggered loudly back and forth for coffee, demanded to talk, and eventually called the group's secretary an unquotable name and walked out. I was glad he was there – once again I saw what I had been like. But I also saw what I still am, and what I still could be. I don't have to be drunk to want to be the exception and the center of attention. I have often felt abused and responded abusively when I was simply being treated as a garden variety human being. The more the man tried to insist he was different, the more I realized that he and I were exactly alike. Yikes. I honestly don't have anything else to add because this says it perfectly.  I'm no special snowflake.  An alcoholic is an alcoholic. Learning to accept that I'm no different tha...

"OUR SIDE OF THE STREET" We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worth while can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, pp. 77-78 I made amends to my dad soon after I quit drinking. My words fell on deaf ears since I had blamed him for my troubles. Several months later I made amends to my dad again. This time I wrote a letter in which I did not blame him nor mention his faults. It worked, and at last I understood! My side of the street is all that I'm responsible for and — thanks to God and A.A. — it's clean for today. I like today's reading.  It is at the core of how I'm trying to live my life. I can only be accountable for my mistakes, my decisions, my actions. Since I'm not responsible for anyone else, I will never try to lace my  apologies  or amends with blame. It's the difference between saying ...

GIVING IT AWAY Though they knew they must help other alcoholics if they would remain sober, that motive became secondary. It was transcended by the happiness they found in giving themselves for others. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 159 Those words, for me, refer to a transference of power, through which God, as I understand Him, enters my life. Through prayer and meditation, I open channels, then I establish and improve my conscious contact with God. Through action I then receive the power I need to maintain my sobriety each day. By maintaining my spiritual condition, by giving away what has been so freely given to me, I am granted a daily reprieve. Alcohol has always been a secondary issue for me.  It is my mind and the weight of my self-loathing that drove me to do the negative things that I've done. But  the truth of today's reading applies to me as fully as it does to anyone else. The more I pray each day to be directed by God's will, to have the courage to act on t...

BRINGING THE MESSAGE HOME Can we bring the same spirit of love and tolerance into our sometimes deranged family lives that we bring to our A.A. group? — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, pp.111-12 My family members suffer from the effects of my disease. Loving and accepting them as they arejust as I love and accept A.A. members—fosters a return of love, tolerance and harmony to my life. Using common courtesy and respecting others' personal boundaries are necessary practices for all areas of my life. This one is tough for me.  It isn't hard to love my family as they are, and it isn't  hard to respect their boundaries.  The issue is with those who not only don't respect my boundaries, but actively seek to trample them.   I love them, but I also respect myself and have chosen to no longer spend time with them unless there is a larger extended family get-together. I got tired of hearing all of the following: You were more fun when you drank. I like you b...

A LOOK BACKWARD First, we take a look backward and try to discover where we have been at fault; next we make a vigorous attempt to repair the damage we have done; . . . — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 77 As a traveler on a fresh and exciting A.A. journey of recovery, I experienced a newfound peace of mind and the horizon appeared clear and bright, rather than obscure and dim. Reviewing my life to discover where I had been at fault seemed to be such an arduous and dangerous task. It was painful to pause and look backward. I was afraid I might stumble! Couldn't I put the past out of my mind and just live in my new golden present? I realized that those in the past whom I had harmed stood between me and my desire to continue my movement toward serenity. I had to ask for courage to face those persons from my life who still lived in my conscience, to recognize and deal with the guilt that their presence produced in me. I had to look at the damage I had done, and become wi...

I can tell something is different inside me. I can't quantify it yet, but I can just about describe it.  I'm making steady progress on my step 4 lists, and for the first time in my life, I'm being 100% honest. I'm talking about things I had planned on taking to my grave. I had buried them so deep that I had forgotten about them. Maybe not forgotten, as I can feel the ugly ripple effects from time to time, but I have gotten very good and keep those memories buried. The first time through the steps, I was doing it to APPEAR like I wanted to become a better person. I was doing it because I had something to prove to someone. When I realized doing the steps wouldn't get me the result I was after with that person, I quit working the steps.   I didn't go back to drinking because I liked how I felt without alcohol, and liked myself much more than before, but I quit the program and that's what it takes to remain emotionally sober. This time around, I truly bel...

"MADE A LIST . . ." Made a list of all persons we had harmed, . . . — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 77 When I approached the Eighth Step, I wondered how I could list all the things that I have done to other people since there were so many people, and some of them weren't alive anymore. Some of the hurts I inflicted weren't bad, but they really bothered me. The main thing to see in this Step was to become willing to do whatever I had to do to make these amends to the best of my ability at that particular time. Where there is a will, there's a way, so if I want to feel better, I need to unload the guilt feelings I have. A peaceful mind has no room for feelings of guilt. With the help of my Higher Power, if I am honest with myself, I can cleanse my mind of these feelings. Peace of mind has no room for guilt.  What a powerful statement. This weekend was a different sort of weekend for me.  I made full use of the opportunity to be honest, to say thing...

SEEDS OF FAITH Faith, to be sure, is necessary, but faith alone can avail nothing. We can have faith, yet keep God out of our lives. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 34 As a child I constantly questioned the existence of God. To a "scientific thinker" like me, no answer could withstand a thorough dissection, until a very patient woman finally said to me, "You must have faith." With that simple statement, the seeds of my recovery were sown! Today, as I practice my recovery – cutting back the weeds of alcoholism – slowly I am letting those early seeds of faith grow and bloom. Each day of recovery, of ardent gardening, brings the Higher Power of my understanding more fully into my life. My God has always been with me through faith, but it is my responsibility to have the willingness to accept His presence. I ask God to grant me the willingness to do His will. This one is a little different for me.  I can't remember a time where I didn't fe...

. . . TO BE OF SERVICE Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 77 It is clear that God's plan for me is expressed through love. God loved me enough to take me from alleys and jails so that I could be made a useful participant in His world. My response is to love all of His children through service and by example. I ask God to help me imitate His love for me through my love for others. I feel this happening in me each day.  My gifts are adequate, but not astounding. I don't think I'll ever be the guy who is on stage changing people's lives with my words, but I'm not beating myself up about it.  I am just saying yes to service opportunities as I find them, or as they find me. I am dog-sitting for my best friend this week.  I didn't have to think about my answer.  "Of course I will" just rolled out of my mouth.  I'll be helping another friend chop down a tre...

WE BECOME WILLING . . . At the moment we are trying to put our lives in order. But this is not an end in itself. — ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 77 How easily I can become misdirected in approaching the Eighth Step! I wish to be free, somehow transformed by my Sixth and Seventh Step work. Now, more than ever, I am vulnerable to my own self-interest and hidden agenda. I am careful to remember that self-satisfaction, which sometimes comes through the spoken forgiveness of those I have harmed, is not my true objective. I become willing to make amends, knowing that through this process I am mended and made fit to move forward, to know and desire God's will for me. God has been grabbing my attention and shaking me out of my doldrums this last week.  I've always said He speaks to me through the people around me, but this week He has has been speaking through the words I read as well as conversations. I was joking around with my training partner this morning.  He said his di...

The more I pray to live by God's will, the more I see how long I've lived in a trap of Your Will or My Will. I was a pleaser for the longest time.  I felt that if I didn't do what someone expected of me, and then try to follow it up with something better, I would be abandoned.  I have a long history of finding people who made that fear  a reality.  Whether I was a few months in to a relationship or 10 years in, I felt it was only a matter of a few wrong words or a simple day of being lazy until I was rejected and abandoned again. I would live under someone else's will for my life for as long as I could handle it. The fear and anxiety would eventually crush me.  My resentments would grow to unmanageable levels and I'd self destruct. Changing my style of clothes, listening to someone else's music, climbing the career ladder as high as I could because someone else deserved to stay at home and not work. "Your head is really big. Your arms are too small. You...

Steps 1 through 3 were real enough, but they only required a sincere desire, and I have that in spades. My desire is born from the  gift of desperation. I desperately want to let go  of this baggage. I desperately want to live in joy and contentment. I desperately want to face the crap I've been sweeping under the rug for 40 years. I'm as far into  the  process as I got  last time.  I stopped here last time because my ego  wouldn't allow me to pursue step 4.  I  didn't want to do any house cleaning. I  didn't want to let go absolutely. I wasn't ready to let my life be directed by God's will over my own.  I get it now. Yesterday  was a difficult day for me in a lot of ways, but I worked with my sponsor and revealed some things I've been lugging around for months on end.  The enemy comes to lie, steal, and kill, and destroy.  The enemy lies to you and these destructive lies can only survive in the dark  recesse...

A PRICELESS GIFT By this time in all probability we have gained some measure of release from our more devastating handicaps. We enjoy moments in which there is something like real peace of mind. To those of us who have hitherto known only excitement, depression, or anxiety – in other words, to all of us – this newfound peace is a priceless gift. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 74 I am learning to let go and let God, to have a mind that is open and a heart that is willing to receive God's grace in all my affairs; in this way I can experience the peace and freedom that come as a result of surrender. It has been proven that an act of surrender, originating in desperation and defeat, can grow into an ongoing act of faith, and that faith means freedom and victory. Excitement, depression, or anxiety.  Thank you, God, for showing me that I am not alone in my brokenness.  I am really good at feeling these three states.  I am all too comfortable living in these thr...

But now the words "Of myself I am nothing, the Father doeth the works" began to carry bright promise and meaning. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 75 When I put the Seventh Step into action I must remember that there are no blanks to fill in. It doesn't say, "Humbly asked Him to (fill in the blank) remove our shortcomings." For years, I filled in the imaginary blank with "Help me!" "Give me the courage to," and "Give me the strength," etc. The Step says simply that God will remove my shortcomings. The only footwork I must do is "humbly ask," which for me means asking with the knowledge that of myself I am nothing, the Father within "doeth the works." This one is profound.  It goes back to one of the things we read daily in AA.  God will do for us the things we can not.  My own strength is nothing. My willpower is nothing.  The only hope I have to accomplish anything worthwhile in this life is to let ...

Here is the text from the Daily Reflection for July 19th, 2016: Many of us who had thought ourselves religious awoke to the limitations of this attitude. Refusing to place God first, we had deprived ourselves of His help. — TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 75 Many false notions operate in false pride. The need for direction to live a decent life is satisfied by the hope experienced in the A.A. Fellowship. Those who have walked the way for years – a day at a time – say that a God-centered life has limitless possibilities for personal growth. This being so, much hope is transmitted by the elder A.A.s. I thank my Higher Power for letting me know that He works through other people, and I thank Him for our trusted servants in the Fellowship who aid new members to reject their false ideals and to adopt those which lead to a life of compassion and trust. The elders in A.A. challenge the newcomers to "Come To" – so that they can "Come to Believe." I ask my H...

Like last time, steps 1 through 3 are kinda easy.  This time around, I'm putting much more thought and prayer into what each step means, so I'm getting more out of it.  Step 3 is more of an ongoing effort.  I can feel when I'm living it and when I'm not.  This is part of my morning prayers, and something I have to stop and ask myself throughout the day.   Am I living God's will or my own will? For reference, the twelve steps are: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of  God   as we understood Him . Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of  character . Humbly asked Him to remove our sho...

This is powerful stuff. And seeking to be truthful and humble, I only read it because one of my closest friends texted it to me this morning. The more honest I am with myself, the more I can discern between seeking to be honest in all my affairs vs. seeking to to APPEAR honest. When I want to the appearance of honesty, I look for the of reactions I get from the things I do and say.  That isn't a genuine way to live.  That doesn't lead to serenity or true joy. Here lately I've just been trying to live.  I want to respond to situations in a way that is natural, free of motive, and as true to myself and my faith as possible.  I don't always succeed, but in trying to do so, I've learned to let go of motive a little more each day, let go of expectations.  I can enjoy choosing to be alone doing laundry, running with friends, or a night out with equal ease. I can enjoy doing something nice for someone even when it goes unnoticed or unmentioned.  It is beco...

This is another eye opening reading.  I am well aware of the fears I have, but have yet to identify the root.  The funny thing about digging deeper into my faith, is I am given a limited toolbox for handling fears.  "Give it to God" is great, but what does that mean?  I want to be able to identify the root of my fears, deconstruct it, and ask God to remove THAT. The reading talks about step 7, so I guess I will get there when I get there.  I can't be "Turbo" all my life.  That just leads to anxiety, and thus, fears. I was just telling someone yesterday how easy it would be to get angry at how my ex is always late dropping off the kids and early to pick them up.  I just let it go because I can't have any expectations of her.  When I arrive at the halfway spot early, I just have to find a way to entertain myself. I can't wait to spend more time digging into my fears and trying to unravel and remove them.  I care entirely too much what o...

A few things strike me here.  Happiness shouldn't be an accident.   It isn't even a set of circumstances or a result good fortune. Happiness is a result of working a process; choosing to view the world without expectations, and respond to it with a simple decision to do the right thing; to do God's will. When I get bogged down in my thoughts, in my desires, in my expectations of situations or of others, I loose my happiness. Last time around, I lost focus on everything it took to remain emotionally sober.  I fell back into the mental habits of a broken person, though I didn't fall back into drinking.  When my anger finally consumed me, I chose to drink to "show them". So here I am, working on my sobriety, knowing that it must always come first in order to be happy in any situation. Monday and Tuesday were difficult days.  I found myself staring my recent past square in the face trying to change it.  but what's done and gone is done and gone.  I...

This is harder than it sounds.  Admitting you are powerless over any area of your life is like admitting defeat. UNTIL you alter your perspective and realize that God really does intervene when you want him to.  My God is all powerful, all loving, and all forgiving.  He wants to remove from my life all the things that harm me, even those things that originate within me. The more I get out and help others, the more I get out of my own head and just enjoy the moment for what it is.  Its a simple, but often difficult task of letting go.  I am learning to let go of expectations; of control; of even simple desires.  My goal is to simple respond to every situation with love, kindness, compassion, wisdom, and a bit of fun. Lord, guide me today.  Let my words come from Your Word.  Let my actions be in accordance with Your will.  Fill me with the Holy Spirit that I might be a blessing to others, speaking life to everyone I interact with today.

Well clearly I'm not mature in AA yet because I never imagined myself conforming to an AA way of life.  I never even considered the possibility of being a "member".  This isn't a club or a team.  It is an organization founded on helping people.  I understand what today's reflection is saying, but I just can't envision a day where I'm attending AA conventions or things like that. I want to put in my full effort to all 12 steps, but I hadn't really examined step 12 enough to to internalize what it means.  I suppose when I'm happy, joyous, and free, I'll have more to give to others who are struggling, but for right now, my laser-like focus is on getting past the steps that I quit on last time. If everyone stayed where I'm at, there would be no sponsors, no growth, no help for others.  These are all things to consider. But for now, I am just trying to discern God's will for me TODAY.