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Daily Reflections: A Look Backward

A LOOK BACKWARD
First, we take a look backward and try to discover where we have been at fault; next we make a vigorous attempt to repair the damage we have done; . . .
— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 77
As a traveler on a fresh and exciting A.A. journey of recovery, I experienced a newfound peace of mind and the horizon appeared clear and bright, rather than obscure and dim. Reviewing my life to discover where I had been at fault seemed to be such an arduous and dangerous task. It was painful to pause and look backward. I was afraid I might stumble! Couldn't I put the past out of my mind and just live in my new golden present? I realized that those in the past whom I had harmed stood between me and my desire to continue my movement toward serenity. I had to ask for courage to face those persons from my life who still lived in my conscience, to recognize and deal with the guilt that their presence produced in me. I had to look at the damage I had done, and become willing to make amends. Only then could my journey of the spirit resume.
Man I am NOT looking forward to this. Taking accountability for my words and actions is easy enough, but to face someone dead in the eye and say "Here's what I did. Here is where I was wrong" is not easy.  It has been far too easy (and yet damaging) to look at my past and see where others had wronged me. Looking back and seeing where I have wronged others is not easy. Writing it all out, then becoming willing to face those people and say it.....  I'm aprehensive about it but willing.
I've been wondering about the "how"s. How do I let it go? How do I free myself from the burden of guilt? How do I make peace with my past? How do I just keep looking forward? Well, here is the answer, and I'm ready to do whatever it takes.
I'm still working on my 4th step lists. It is eye opening, humbling, and (pun intended) sobering.

Comments

  1. UnknownAugust 16, 2016 at 10:09 AM

    The beautiful thing about the program is that it is meant to be fluid and evolutionary. I relive the steps on a daily basis. In fact, yesterday I spoke with my sponsor and told him about a resentment that had creeper up in my mind. Right then and there my sponsor and I listed the person, the cause, what it affected and my liability. By doing this, I was able to see that I still can suffer from pride and that I still have a desire to control situations. I said the sick person prayer and resolved myself to doing right today with that person.

    Reviewing our past can be painful, particularly so on our first way through the fourth step; however, that pain signifies growth. Just as a muscle is in pain and sore after an intense workout, so to are we in pain reviewing our shortcomings and blame in certain situations. The beautiful thing is that although the muscle is in pain for a few days, it eventually adapts and grows stronger and it's not as sore the next time we work out. This applies to our fourth step too. We grow and adapt from the initial pain and it is not as painful in the future. This is how I "work out" my program on a daily basis, just like I work out my body on a daily basis.

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