SERENITY AFTER THE STORM
Someone who knew what he was talking about once remarked that pain was the touchstone of all spiritual progress. How heartily we A.A.'s can agree with him. . . .
— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, pp. 93-94
When on the roller coaster of emotional turmoil, I remember that growth is often painful. My evolution in the A.A. program has taught me that I must experience the inner change, however painful, that eventually guides me from selfishness to selflessness. If I am to have serenity, I must STEP my way past emotional turmoil and its subsequent hangover, and be grateful for continuing spiritual progress.
Stasis. That's what my drinking was all about. Life is ever changing, and i used to hate that. Since we have absolutely no control over our surroundings, we can't prevent change. I drank because I wanted to numb all my feelings about the things going on in my life. I didn't want to face my part in a second divorce, in my financial state, and I didn't want to admit that I had to change if my life were ever to change. I drank to pretend I could feel the same no matter what was going on. I drank to escape the reality of change beyond my control.
What is most interesting to me in today's reflection is the idea of emotional hangover. How many people have we met that tell the same resentment-fueled story no matter how many years or decades ago it took place? I can fall into that when I'm not working on my gratitude and not seeking God's will as my day to day compass. Negative experiences are like a poison well in your mind. The alcoholic mind can't drink enough of the poison memory - the feeling of despair, indignation, and judgement last years after the experience is long since forgotten by a normal mind. At first, the task is to simply not "drink" from that poison memory. As we progress through the 12 steps, the well is slowly drained, and our minds, heart, and spirit start to experience genuine freedom. Eventually, our acts of service produce wellsprings of life that help sustain us in service work, in the program, and in a healthy mindset that sees the positive in life, and seeks to produce positivity in the world around us.
I need to let go of certain wounds daily till they are simply no longer present. I can't really hear God's direction for me each day unless I stop playing the broken record of resentments in my head. I'm still practicing the daily step 10 and trying to see my wrong-doing first, and set things right as quickly as possible. That, along with starting each morning with prayer to be a servant of God, led by His will, leads me to those experiences that necessitate growth. All of this pulls me away from selfish rumination and into a receptive heart which is open to being of service to others.
The curious thing is, by embracing the coming adventure, I can accept the discomfort of growth joyously. Thank God I'm not the man I used to be. Thank God for bringing me to situations that demand I become who he wants me to be. It isn't always easy, and each stage has required that I give up more and more of my self-seeking mindset. I am so happy to be on this journey, and thrilled as I witness each event unfold. I'm so happy to have a mind with so few poison wells and so many wells of life.
Good post brother! I heard someone say in a meeting once,"God never wastes pain." It took me time to reflect on that statement. The statement did not say, "God will inflict pain upon you," nor does it say "once you are sober and have a relationship with God you will never experience pain again." I inflict pain upon myself when I choose to live in self will. When I orchestrate events or have expectations for how others should treat me or how I should be perceived.
ReplyDeleteI have found in my sobriety that I tend to cause a lot of my pain. Pain of letting relationshipS go, or holding onto toxic ones. I can easily start to justify and validate resentments in my own mind, which can be very dangerous. Just because I have been sober for a few days does not mean that I am exempt from Stinking thinking. It's at this point I must have the humility to talk to another recovered alcoholic. I tend to say, "well, I know what my sponsor is going to say anyways so why even call," but to deny calling him is to deny us both an opportunity to heal each other.
I heard a powerful statement today that I need to think about, and I will end my response with this. "If you are ever rationalizing or justifying a behavior or action BEWARE for you are going down the wrong path. You will never have to justify or rationalize a correct answer."