I remember my mom telling me "You think you know what love is..... then you have kids."
For the longest time I believed that. Then, I got happily divorced and was leading a happy single life with my two young (6 and 3) kids. Shortly after I got my own house, my daughter turned 7 and then my son turned 4. Those were amazing times. My daughter says her best memories are from that time.
I was broke, but I was free. I remember doing "campouts" on weekends in the living room with my kids. We'd turn my futon into a tent and I'd cook in the fireplace. During a particularly bad hailstorm, we hid under the cargo cover of my truck and watched with the tailgate down. We had so much fun for free. My heart and my soul were free, and I lacked nothing to be happy.
It was in that wholeness and freedom that I met my second wife. I was competing in MMA and she in boxing. We met at a gym and thought nothing of each other at first. We just hung out in big groups and laughed and danced and had so many "downtown" stories to tell. I'd travel to the east coast for work, her home, and text her asking for the best place to eat this or that.
I fell deeply in friendship.
I introduced her to my world of caveman activities and it hit my like lightning. We were on our second or third hike together, and she was in her new hiking boots. She saw a big puddle of mud and just jumped into it and swished her feet all around. I can't even explain why, but it was that moment that I knew I had fallen for her. We dated for about 3 years, including engagement, before getting married. I finally knew a love that approached the totality of love that I felt for my kids.
After we married, it fell apart quickly. She has no kids and my two were just reaching 13 and 10. 13 isn't easy for any sort of parent, but it is especially hard for step parents. No matter what she and I did, we ended up disagreeing about everything regarding my kids. Eventually, she asked me and the kids to move out. My last act as her husband was to leave her a gift.
I spent about $300 on the most amazing floral arrangement, and left her a note. I don't recall every word, but the jist was this: As your husband, I'm called to love you as Christ loves His church. I can't MAKE you stay married nor will I try. All I can do is give you what you want, your freedom, with grace and love. I'll walk this out with you, supporting you, to the end. I love you as my other half even now, and will not stop hoping for a change of heart till this divorce is final.
And with that, I was gone.
I ran into her at the grocery store a few weeks ago. We hadn't seen each other or talked in years. We talked for maybe 15 minutes, catching up on so many things. Our lives have gone on very different and unexpected paths. We exchanged a couple of texts, and what was greatly unexpected was her saying she wished she'd handled things differently. She cleaned up her side of the street. I've witnessed the change in others when I've made my Step 9 Amends with them, but I've never been on the receiving end. I found myself filled with compassion and empathy for her. Its not the kind of love it was when we met, but more of a philia love. The thing we both agreed on - losing a best friend is the worst sort of loss to grieve.
I have long since forgiven her, and see that God truly works all things for the good of those called according to his purpose. My heart and my spirit-man were so broken in 2013 that I had no choice but to desperately seek God, Christ, and the gifts of the Holy Spirit. That desperation was a gift that has propelled me through four years of constant growth. Now I've had some self-induced setbacks along the way, but the man I am today is indistinguishable from the man I was in 2013 or at any point before.
I'm not sure if there are just a few salient points here, but they might be:
For the longest time I believed that. Then, I got happily divorced and was leading a happy single life with my two young (6 and 3) kids. Shortly after I got my own house, my daughter turned 7 and then my son turned 4. Those were amazing times. My daughter says her best memories are from that time.
I was broke, but I was free. I remember doing "campouts" on weekends in the living room with my kids. We'd turn my futon into a tent and I'd cook in the fireplace. During a particularly bad hailstorm, we hid under the cargo cover of my truck and watched with the tailgate down. We had so much fun for free. My heart and my soul were free, and I lacked nothing to be happy.
It was in that wholeness and freedom that I met my second wife. I was competing in MMA and she in boxing. We met at a gym and thought nothing of each other at first. We just hung out in big groups and laughed and danced and had so many "downtown" stories to tell. I'd travel to the east coast for work, her home, and text her asking for the best place to eat this or that.
I fell deeply in friendship.
I introduced her to my world of caveman activities and it hit my like lightning. We were on our second or third hike together, and she was in her new hiking boots. She saw a big puddle of mud and just jumped into it and swished her feet all around. I can't even explain why, but it was that moment that I knew I had fallen for her. We dated for about 3 years, including engagement, before getting married. I finally knew a love that approached the totality of love that I felt for my kids.
After we married, it fell apart quickly. She has no kids and my two were just reaching 13 and 10. 13 isn't easy for any sort of parent, but it is especially hard for step parents. No matter what she and I did, we ended up disagreeing about everything regarding my kids. Eventually, she asked me and the kids to move out. My last act as her husband was to leave her a gift.
I spent about $300 on the most amazing floral arrangement, and left her a note. I don't recall every word, but the jist was this: As your husband, I'm called to love you as Christ loves His church. I can't MAKE you stay married nor will I try. All I can do is give you what you want, your freedom, with grace and love. I'll walk this out with you, supporting you, to the end. I love you as my other half even now, and will not stop hoping for a change of heart till this divorce is final.
And with that, I was gone.
I ran into her at the grocery store a few weeks ago. We hadn't seen each other or talked in years. We talked for maybe 15 minutes, catching up on so many things. Our lives have gone on very different and unexpected paths. We exchanged a couple of texts, and what was greatly unexpected was her saying she wished she'd handled things differently. She cleaned up her side of the street. I've witnessed the change in others when I've made my Step 9 Amends with them, but I've never been on the receiving end. I found myself filled with compassion and empathy for her. Its not the kind of love it was when we met, but more of a philia love. The thing we both agreed on - losing a best friend is the worst sort of loss to grieve.
I have long since forgiven her, and see that God truly works all things for the good of those called according to his purpose. My heart and my spirit-man were so broken in 2013 that I had no choice but to desperately seek God, Christ, and the gifts of the Holy Spirit. That desperation was a gift that has propelled me through four years of constant growth. Now I've had some self-induced setbacks along the way, but the man I am today is indistinguishable from the man I was in 2013 or at any point before.
I'm not sure if there are just a few salient points here, but they might be:
- The power of a heartfelt desire to set things right (making amends) never ceases to amaze me.
- Freedom of heart and mind and wholeness of spirit is the only place from which a person can meet another and fall for them with no expectations, no void to fill, no motive.
- I'm not proud of how I handled every situation in my second marriage, but I am proud of how I loved her.
- It might be nice to fall deeply into friendship again.
I really appreciate you sharing that; especially the part about being "broke but free." This reminded me of the part in the big book that says, "financial success always followed sobriety, it never preceded it." I remember when I started working as an administrative assistant and my annual salary was $26,000. I was broke but happy to. I had recently met the woman who is now my wife and I was saving like crazy to buy am engagement ring for her. This left me with little to no money. One day after a Monday night meeting I spoke with another alcoholic and I told him howuch better I though my life would be if I could make $30,000 instead of $26,000 a year. Everything would be great! My friend told me, "Orlando, no matter how much money you make, it will never be enough, there will always be some thing that comes up." I was a little taken aback by his comment. Three years later, and a few promotionS later, I find that my friend was absolutely right about not being happy even with more money. Sobriety has taught me to not focus on material success, I find so much more happiness out of spiritual success and the only way I can experience this spiritual success is by working with another alcoholic and helping someone in need. I have also found that when I take my mind off of my financial success and work with another alcoholic, I find that my higher power blesses me with just what I need to get by. Notice I said what I need, and not what I want.
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