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Working the Fourth Step

I can tell something is different inside me. I can't quantify it yet, but I can just about describe it.  I'm making steady progress on my step 4 lists, and for the first time in my life, I'm being 100% honest. I'm talking about things I had planned on taking to my grave. I had buried them so deep that I had forgotten about them. Maybe not forgotten, as I can feel the ugly ripple effects from time to time, but I have gotten very good and keep those memories buried.

The first time through the steps, I was doing it to APPEAR like I wanted to become a better person. I was doing it because I had something to prove to someone. When I realized doing the steps wouldn't get me the result I was after with that person, I quit working the steps.   I didn't go back to drinking because I liked how I felt without alcohol, and liked myself much more than before, but I quit the program and that's what it takes to remain emotionally sober.

This time around, I truly believe I am worth whatever steps it takes to find contentment and joy. I'm worth the effort to become my best me. The more I experience the happiness of living this moment, the absence of anxiety thinking about tomorrow, the depression of regretting the past, the more committed I become to living this way of life every day for the rest of my life.

After boxing tonight, I'm going to come home, grab a little meal, and just keep working my fourth step.  I'm not sure how long it will take, but I will not quit, give up, or procrastinate. 

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