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Daily Reflections: Made a List

"MADE A LIST . . ."
Made a list of all persons we had harmed, . . .
— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 77
When I approached the Eighth Step, I wondered how I could list all the things that I have done to other people since there were so many people, and some of them weren't alive anymore. Some of the hurts I inflicted weren't bad, but they really bothered me. The main thing to see in this Step was to become willing to do whatever I had to do to make these amends to the best of my ability at that particular time. Where there is a will, there's a way, so if I want to feel better, I need to unload the guilt feelings I have. A peaceful mind has no room for feelings of guilt. With the help of my Higher Power, if I am honest with myself, I can cleanse my mind of these feelings.
Peace of mind has no room for guilt.  What a powerful statement. This weekend was a different sort of weekend for me.  I made full use of the opportunity to be honest, to say things in a truthful but not malicious way. By no means did I make amends with anyone, but I opened up in a way that is out of character for me and I feel good about it.
The more prayerful  I become, the more natural it is to just be honest. God is doing for me what I have not been able to do for myself, and that is restoring my integrity.  When I was at the Air Force Academy, the leaders there always said once you crack the pillar of your integrity it is never repaired.  I burned that deep into my belief system, and when I cracked it 11 years ago, I felt a sense of worthlessness. It was almost a sense of "Well, I may as well do whatever the hell I want since I already fell this far."
Now I see that the past is in the past and today is a chance to do the right thing. The more days I amass of right things done, the more I see and feel the wholeness in the pillar of my integrity. Through the blood of Christ Jesus, I have been forgiven, which means I no longer have to carry the poison of guilt and shame. Rather, I am to carry the fire to do right, to reflect God's glory to others. It has NOTHING to do with me.  Without Christ, without God, I'd be the same guy making poor choices I always was. With God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, however, I am a servant of His will; and His will is to demonstrate love to everyone everywhere. For me, one of the most crucial aspects of demonstrating love is to always be lovingly honest.

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