The more I pray to live by God's will, the more I see how long I've lived in a trap of Your Will or My Will. I was a pleaser for the longest time. I felt that if I didn't do what someone expected of me, and then try to follow it up with something better, I would be abandoned. I have a long history of finding people who made that fear a reality. Whether I was a few months in to a relationship or 10 years in, I felt it was only a matter of a few wrong words or a simple day of being lazy until I was rejected and abandoned again.
I would live under someone else's will for my life for as long as I could handle it. The fear and anxiety would eventually crush me. My resentments would grow to unmanageable levels and I'd self destruct. Changing my style of clothes, listening to someone else's music, climbing the career ladder as high as I could because someone else deserved to stay at home and not work.
"Your head is really big. Your arms are too small. Your face is too round. Your aren't jock enough for me. You aren't musician enough for me. You are bald. You aren't a good enough dancer for me. Your laugh annoys me. You shouldn't like Sci-Fi so much. I'm used to men who make more money. You spend too much time outside. You drink too much. Why don't you ever drink with me? I'm used to fitter men. You are too dark for me. Your are too nerdy. You don't have enough swag. You are too serious. You are too silly."
Its one thing to hear that from people who are just passing through, but another thing entirely to hear it from people who want to build a life with you. I tried repeatedly to change these things about myself and live my life according to the will of people I wanted in my life. It broke me several times over. Invariably, I would say fuck it and reach a point of irrational retaliation and start living for my own will, which always led me further astray. I'd drink, party, make horrible decisions just to hurt the people I was resentful towards. Ultimately I'd just hurt myself. I can't live under my will anymore. I have seen where it leads and it is never a place I intended to be.
Now, my goal is to be who God created me to be. My likes are my likes, but I'm open to experiencing new things. My character is not for sale or barter. I have to remember that people say hurtful things because they are hurt. I'll never be lighter skin colored than I am, and I love it. I love my Mexican / Native American roots. I love the deep red-brown I get in the summer. I love the dance lessons I've had and the style of dancing I'm developing. I love how my body gets stronger before it changes shape. I love that I read before bed.
God made me this way for a reason, and I trust that He never makes mistakes. The mistakes have all been on my end: not enforcing boundaries, trying to be what someone else wanted (Your Will), overreacting and destroying the good that was present (My Will). Now I'm doing my best to learn how to live according to God's Will for my life. It isn't easy, but I am staying this course.
I would live under someone else's will for my life for as long as I could handle it. The fear and anxiety would eventually crush me. My resentments would grow to unmanageable levels and I'd self destruct. Changing my style of clothes, listening to someone else's music, climbing the career ladder as high as I could because someone else deserved to stay at home and not work.
"Your head is really big. Your arms are too small. Your face is too round. Your aren't jock enough for me. You aren't musician enough for me. You are bald. You aren't a good enough dancer for me. Your laugh annoys me. You shouldn't like Sci-Fi so much. I'm used to men who make more money. You spend too much time outside. You drink too much. Why don't you ever drink with me? I'm used to fitter men. You are too dark for me. Your are too nerdy. You don't have enough swag. You are too serious. You are too silly."
Its one thing to hear that from people who are just passing through, but another thing entirely to hear it from people who want to build a life with you. I tried repeatedly to change these things about myself and live my life according to the will of people I wanted in my life. It broke me several times over. Invariably, I would say fuck it and reach a point of irrational retaliation and start living for my own will, which always led me further astray. I'd drink, party, make horrible decisions just to hurt the people I was resentful towards. Ultimately I'd just hurt myself. I can't live under my will anymore. I have seen where it leads and it is never a place I intended to be.
Now, my goal is to be who God created me to be. My likes are my likes, but I'm open to experiencing new things. My character is not for sale or barter. I have to remember that people say hurtful things because they are hurt. I'll never be lighter skin colored than I am, and I love it. I love my Mexican / Native American roots. I love the deep red-brown I get in the summer. I love the dance lessons I've had and the style of dancing I'm developing. I love how my body gets stronger before it changes shape. I love that I read before bed.
God made me this way for a reason, and I trust that He never makes mistakes. The mistakes have all been on my end: not enforcing boundaries, trying to be what someone else wanted (Your Will), overreacting and destroying the good that was present (My Will). Now I'm doing my best to learn how to live according to God's Will for my life. It isn't easy, but I am staying this course.
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