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Got my world rocked

So I'm trying like hell to be a better man.  My friends all say I'm fine as I am.  But the truth they don't see is that after two divorces and a tumultuous relationship of almost two years, there is definitely something going on in my head that doesn't happen with everyone.

So I went to a psychiatrist and paid out of pocket to get in ASAP.  The in-network pyschs didn't have openings till late March or early April. My expectation was I'd get diagnosed with ADHD, get a script for adderol, and be on my way. God has a way of reminding my that expectations aren't a good thing.

I did get diagnosed with ADD (no shocker there), but also with Borderline Personality Disorder. Apparently, people who has suffered abuse tend to get it. Experiencing trauma, especially in formative years, causes person to always be on gaurd, looking for threats that aren't there, planning their exit strategies, both physical and emotional. Its a survival instinct gone haywire. The shittiest feeling this brings about, is a sense of pending abandonment. You get this oppressive feeling that the people you love most are always on the verge of leaving.

"I know we have plans, but there is a happy hour for a person's birthday at work.  I'll be an hour later than we discussed." On the surface, I'm saying "Cool. Go have fun." Underneath, I'm fighting a battle between my reason and my emotion.  Rationally, I know we've been together xx months, I'll see her in a bit.  Emotionally I'm feeling "She's going to have way more fun with them than she ever could with you.  You're not first on her list. If you were, she'd stick to what she agreed to with you and would tell them no thanks. Maybe there is a guy there she wants to spend time with."

Her "I'm going dancing with the girls" becomes "I want to flirt with men who are better looking than you." I KNOW its not true, but I have to fight to overcome the lies that originate in my own fucking brain.

At the root of this problem is an enlarged and hyperactive amygdala. Its the fight or flight center of the brain.  And people with BPD enter that state way more often than is necessary. One of my counselors said I'm the guy everyone wants in their foxhole. I'll fight with no regard for my own safety to protect the people I love. I'm never out of the fight unless I'm unconscious. The problem is, life isn't war, and a crowded concert isn't a foxhole.

I had a full on panic attack last night, reflecting on the diagnosis, everything I've been through, and all that I've caused. The person I most wanted to be there for me wasn't (my own fault). The person who was there for me was who I least expected. I fell apart under the weight of my mistakes. My friend helped me see the good in me and encourage me for the work to come. I'm grateful for those that accept me as I am and encourage me to be better.

Comments

  1. UnknownMarch 11, 2017 at 10:26 AM

    As I read your post, I could not help but reminisce on my own journey and battle with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. I remember when I got sober and made the decision to get my anxiety treated. Unfortunately for me, although I made the first available appointment with my psychiatrist within my first week of sobriety,I was not able to get into the psychiatrist's office for three months because of how booked she was. Those were an agonizing three months of feeling pure anxiety on a daily basis without turning to King Alcohol to numb my anxiety, because I knew that if I touched another drop of alcohol again, there would be no hope.

    I want to say how proud of you I am for embarking on this journey, and your are not alone my friend. I am with you every step of the way. About 18 months into sobriety, I had the fortunate opportunity to develop a class for work titled, "Anxiety Awareness." This class is near and dear to my heart because I discuss in detail how the amygdala hijacks our brain during a panic attack and how our frontal lobe does have the ability to silence the amygdala, to an extent, but this requires great practice. Mindfulness and grounding are both useful tools when suffering a panic attack. I could talk about this for days, but long story short I was able to see how my experience could benefit others. This class has been extremely successful at work and the employees there are truly appreciative of the class aND me for instructing it and discussing my experience, strength, and hope.

    I know that you have had to digest some heavy stuff, but this is part of the introspection that is so critical to this program. Every life experience you have had serves a purpose, both the good and the less than good. Allow yourself to feel everything and to continue to dig into the program. Your higher power wants for YOU to know that you are absolutely perfect just the way he made you! To quote one of my favorite priests, "Jesus loves you, and so do I."

    Onward and upward my friend!

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