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Still on track, and making progress

I'm working my way through Step 9.  It has been such a roller coaster.  I had all this anxiety and self-imposed guilt and shame as I got ready to face people and walk through my amends with them, but the crazy part is, everyone has received my amends with an open heart, and keeping everything 100% honest since that point has kept me happy, joyous, and free.

One thing I've noticed is that the more manipulative folks in my life have responded with "well I guess now you'll <adhere to whatever expectation they have>".  Short answer - No! I'm not doing this work to make myself better living up to another person's ideal for me.  I'm doing this to stay true to who God wants me to be.

I've discovered that I'm more able to be present, engaged, enjoyable, and even helpful to my friends. I'm finding a sort of natural selection process as to who is becoming a bigger pat of my life and who is moving out of it.

I'm embracing the reality that God has a plan for me that far surpasses any plan I've ever had for myself.  Letting go of the illusion of control has done wonderful things for my spirit.  I feel alive, vibrant, and motivated to accomplish anything God brings me to. I'm doing my best to answer His call every day. I don't always succeed, but like all other disciplines - it gets easier with practice.

Comments

  1. UnknownMay 12, 2017 at 7:27 PM

    I am extremely proud of you and all that you are doing my friend! I particularly enjoyed when you said that you are undergoing this change to live up to other people's expectations for you, you are doing this to clear away the wreckage of your past and to rid yourself of anything that is blocking you from the sunlight of the spirit.

    I want to take a moment to remind you if the integral importance of prayer throughout this process. Praying for healing for the damage you have done, prayer for the courage to make the amends, prayer for your higher power to guide you to know when the right time and place is to make amends.

    Further, learning how to properly make amends and clean house feeds directly into the tenth step, which we will soon work on. As we have talked about this is not a once and done process. To this day, I still have to write out my fourth step columns, identify my part, and make the appropriate amends when necessary. This allows me to live a happy and joyous life free from the bondage of resentment!

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