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The miracle of persistence

It's been almost 17 months since I last drank alcohol.  In that time, I've had two sponsors, and broken up with and restarted my relationship with my girlfriend, but most importantly I've rebuilt my relationship with my daughter and have a much more solid co-parenting relationship with her mom now that I'm able to let go of expectations and accept that she is spiritually sick.

I've completed the 12 steps of AA and God will bring me a sponsee when we are both ready. This process has brought me so much healing and sanity. But the most important thing that has changed in my life is a desire to do whatever needs to be done, when it needs to be done instead of avoiding or procrastinating.

Most painfully, this meant parting ways with my on-and-off girlfriend of the last 2.5 years. We forced ourselves together because the lifestyle was fantastic. We both loved playing outside with a variety of activities, and had many adventures together, with and without our kids. Her daughters were so much fun and we were really close. But no matter how great the fun times were, we simply couldn't see eye to eye on what it means to be in a relationship and where boundaries need to be drawn. Trying to live this way caused me so much distress and anxiety. Now that we have gone separate ways, I have the healthy mind to let go of the hurts, hang on to the good memories without ruminating, and keep my distance.

The freedom to be who I feel God is calling me to be and live by his will is liberating. It is scary to let go of my selfish desires and just accept the blessings he brings.  The funny thing is, his timing is perfect and the blessings come without effort on my part. I just give thanks each day for the new people who are showing up, and equally for the pruning he has done in my life.

For some reason, God has put this verse in my mind lately:
"You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them."

I've born no fruit whatsoever lately.  Now is the time to spend my energies blessing others and managing my own life. I'm full of hope for the first time in a long time.  Happiness isn't always the first emotion I feel, but hope has not yet abated.

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