This blog is so I can keep track of my walk through the 12 steps of recovery, as outlined in the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book. I "swore off" drinking about 3 years ago and in that time I've had about 3 drinking events, with many months of sobriety in between. Each event was a little more unmanageable than the previous.
Not only have I been "quitting" drinking for the last 3 years, I've quit on the 12 steps once before. I got to step 4 and stopped. I was able to stay sober for 19 months, but then I just imploded. In 4 hours of drinking, I managed to push away someone I cared about more deeply than I knew I was capable of, and crushed our plans of a future with the family I always wanted.
I never drank every day, never drank at work, never got a DUI or arrested, never "lost it all" in the financial sense, so for many years I assumed I just liked to let loose on weekends; assumed I didn't have a problem. But when you look at step one, admitting you are powerless over alcohol and your life had become unmanageable, I DEFINITELY had a problem!
One drink would almost always lead to countless drinks. A happy night out would almost always turn to an embarrassing situation, hurt feelings, fights when I was younger, blackouts, or just general chaos.
I fought step one for the last two years. I said I was doing AA because it made me better, not because I was a TRUE alcoholic. But the truth of the matter is I am an alcoholic. I am powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. In my case, sometimes unmanageability leads me to alcohol, but the net is the same: I am powerless over alcohol.
I DO, however, have power over where I draw my strength from. I choose to draw my strength from God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Relying on my own strength has gotten me a litany of wonderful ideas abandoned half way through. I am the perpetual quitter no longer.
Not only have I been "quitting" drinking for the last 3 years, I've quit on the 12 steps once before. I got to step 4 and stopped. I was able to stay sober for 19 months, but then I just imploded. In 4 hours of drinking, I managed to push away someone I cared about more deeply than I knew I was capable of, and crushed our plans of a future with the family I always wanted.
I never drank every day, never drank at work, never got a DUI or arrested, never "lost it all" in the financial sense, so for many years I assumed I just liked to let loose on weekends; assumed I didn't have a problem. But when you look at step one, admitting you are powerless over alcohol and your life had become unmanageable, I DEFINITELY had a problem!
One drink would almost always lead to countless drinks. A happy night out would almost always turn to an embarrassing situation, hurt feelings, fights when I was younger, blackouts, or just general chaos.
I fought step one for the last two years. I said I was doing AA because it made me better, not because I was a TRUE alcoholic. But the truth of the matter is I am an alcoholic. I am powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. In my case, sometimes unmanageability leads me to alcohol, but the net is the same: I am powerless over alcohol.
I DO, however, have power over where I draw my strength from. I choose to draw my strength from God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Relying on my own strength has gotten me a litany of wonderful ideas abandoned half way through. I am the perpetual quitter no longer.
I’d like to begin by commending you on your decision to commit to the program, find a sponsor, and work the steps. The big book says that for this program to work, one alcoholic has to work with another. Psychiatrist, psychologists, counselors, clergymen and women had all witnessed failure in working with alcoholics despite their greatest efforts to facilitate recovery. It was not until Bill W. and Dr. Bob began to work with one another that the program began to materialize. Bill W. was able to understand Dr. Bob’s plight and struggle with alcohol and with the devastation it wreaked on their families. Bill W. and Dr. Bob both experienced significant life experiences that drove them to drink, and the result was the same men: complete unmanageability of their lives.
ReplyDeleteIn the twelve and twelve book, with regard to hitting “rock bottom,” the book states that for many recovering alcoholics the bar had to be raised. I believe this to mean that true alcoholics only decided to seek recovery when they hit what they perceive to be their rock bottom to be. If you stick around the rooms long enough, you began to hear certain terminology that applies to the program, and one of these terms is a “high bottom” drunk. The term “high bottom” drunk is not at all a derogatory one, but rather one that marks truly enlightened individuals who were able to stop the hemorrhaging that was occurring in their lives by admitting their unmanageability of their lives, realizing that only a higher power could restore them to sanity, and turning their will and their lives over to the care of God as they understood Him.
As I read your story, I could not help but consider how fortunate you are that you did not lose even more along the way. When uncertain alcoholics decide they have a little more experimentation left to do, they often come back in the rooms in worse shape than they started, or they never return because they succumbed to jails, institutions, or death. In my case, I experienced a significant wakeup call and came to the realization that my life was completely unmanageable and that I was a servant to King Alcohol. I was suggested to visit a program that offers real, tangible tools for recovering alcoholics and when I entered the room I decided to go “all-in.” Within the first two weeks I decided to find a sponsor. I listened to what my sponsor said and continued to go to meetings as frequently as I could. Further, within my first two months in the program, I began to see a preponderance of new comers arrive at the fourth step, decide it was too much work, and go back out that I decided that I needed to expediently and thoroughly complete my fourth step. As difficult as it was, it was completely worth it! I do not believe I would be here today (sober and loving life!) were it not for me plowing through the fourth step. I encourage you to do the same with your sponsor.
Keep up the good work. Remember, “One day at a time.” “Easy does it.”